Orpheus's Zydrate
by acidalteredfingerprints
Summary: A mix up in paperwork has accidently sent Zack Fair to Hell, ruled over by a cold-hearted silverhaired bastard and his three spoiled sons, Zack will have to either try to make it through or give in to the call of sweet Lethe. Eventual Zadaj.
1. Chapter 1

Alright this first chapter is depressingly short, but its a PROLOGUE yo, the other chapters shall be much more satisfying in length ^_^ Rating subject to change to M. They are in hell after all.

Disclaimer: Was there any flaming wild hot man sex in FVII? Then I don't own it.

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This was not the afterlife Zack Fair had expected. Granted, in his time he had heard many varying stories about what happened in the Lifestream and although it would have been nice to have seventy some odd virgins at his beck and call while feasting on meat and wine, he could have happily settled for two virgins and a lifetime supply (figuratively speaking) of Skittles.

A giant waiting room in the sky, however, had not been part of any package deal he had heard of. From what he had gathered from the mildly obese transsexual at the front desk, there had been some mix up in his paperwork so even though he had technically done all the killing under Shin-Ra jurisdiction and his crimes for the most part were supposed to therefore be applied to the debt of the entire Shin-Ra clan (every generation for the next six eternities was apparently fucked) but somehow his files had been miscategorized and until the error was fixed and management informed the youth was stuck in Limbo unless he wanted to walk through the gates on his right and enter Hell to burn in the flames forever.

After what seemed like months of sitting in the faded waiting chair, Zack slowly closed the cover of House and Gardens Easter Edition, grabbed the Buster Sword and stood to his feet. "Bernice. I'm going to hell."

The receptionist turned the page of her magazine. "No. Don't. It's a huge mistake."

"Don't bother trying to stop me, my mind is made up." Waving his hand he turned his back to Bernice, prepared to face the horrors that awaited him, and paused. "Uh…Bernice? Where is the door to hell?"

"One sec." Without looking up from the glossy photopaper, her hand snaked under the desk. "Stand still, sugah."

"How co-" The rest of his sentence was cut off so his mouth could accommodate a scream as the trap door beneath him opened and gravity went to work.


	2. Enter Yazoo

This is hell:

Kindly forget what you've read in your Bibles and Korans. Push aside the notions of the Egyptians and the Greeks and of The Inferno. The notions of woe and misery and most of all the eternal sensation of torment and burning are very poetic and beautiful in their own ways, but throughout history only one culture has been able to hazard a guess close enough to what hell is like to be considered accurate.

This culture is known as the porn industry.

The religious may be confused by this. Hell is, after all, the place of eternal torment and suffering. It's where the bad angels went after God had a bitchfit, it's where Satan and his cronies reign supreme with an iron and sadistic fist, it's where bad little boys and girls go if they don't eat all their vegetables.

To be honest, no one really is quite sure what it is, mistranslations and preconceived notions have twisted and perverted the actual blueprints of this godless place, for what hell is, in fact, is Godless. The one place where God completely refuses to exist, or drop in from time to time, or even to invite to his annual garden parties, which suits the devil and his company just fine. For where there is no God, there is an overabundance of sin. True, this means murderers and puppy kickers run amock, but when they realize that there's no real point in stabbing the necks of people who have already died and that the puppies here will tear off their balls, there's only a few other sins to fall back on. Which ones are these? I'll leave you to your imagination.

But before you see the towering silver and black castle, before you are taken through the dimly lit alleys and colorful buildings, before you meet the people in exotic clothing who always seem to be laughing, before the fights break out before your eyes and the creatures shift from chocobos to Behemoths on whim and the demons on the corner try to entice you to their bedrooms, we must pull away from the vibrant city life, away from the cries of pain and pleasure, away from the occasional repentant on his knees and crying out to a god who has forgotten his existence, and we exit to the strip of barren plains hovering over oblivion, where a raven haired young man is rubbing his ass indignantly and cursing at the universe in general.

"…fucking sick god-damned bastard." He finally concluded his tirade, reaching back to grasp the reassuring hilt of the Buster Blade. With a deep breath he took in his surroundings; a long strip of barren wasteland surrounded by vast amounts of darkness and suspended over what looked like a bottomless pit of thin wisps of cotton candy. Zack whistled to himself…so this was hell. "Kinda anti-climactic."

"Were you expecting something like this?" There was something almost comforting about the feeling of a gun barrel being pressed against his neck. It felt like being back home. Zack grinned and raised his arms slowly, then, when his elbows were about level with his ears, spun around and brought one of his arms down across his silver-haired attacker's forearm, stepping behind the man and squeezing his arm so that the gun faced the ground as his other arm wrapped around the stranger's neck.

"Watch where you point that thing, you could really hurt someone!" He tightened his grip on the other's neck for emphasis. To his surprise, the stranger laughed…at least, it seemed like a laugh, there were definitely multiple "ha"s in it, but the pauses came in random places, as if the other was trying to emulate something he had once seen on TV.

"Ha. Haha. Ha-haaaha." The stranger stepped through Zack's arms, a brief electrical tingle where he passed through all the acknowledgment that he was really there at all. "You made a funny."

"Uh…yeah…" Zack scratched the back of his head, this wasn't really anything he had planned for. Granted, most situations he got himself in weren't ever anything he had planned for…like that one night in Tortuga…but being-sent-to-hell-and-then-attacked-by-a-crazy-monotone-psycho-who-walked-through-his-arms-and-was-now-turning-to-face-him-to-reveal-that-he-was-really-rather-pretty-with-long-silver-hair-and-only-wearing-a-skirt-with-heiroglyphs was something he really REALLY hadn't planned for. Especially the part where his crazy attacker was pretty. Really, where else did guys have full lips and toned-but-feminine abs like that outside of movies with titles like "Goldilocks And The Three Dildos…This One Is Juuuust Right."? It wasn't humanly possible!

Oh, right…he was in hell. That mystery was solved. Now if he could figure out what the symbols on the other man's crotch meant he could at least have some piece of mind…

"You're not in crippling, all consuming agony." The monotone brought Zack's attention away from the man's kilt (so far as he could tell the hieroglyphs translated roughly to owl, owl, kneeling guy, three testicles and a penis, feather) and back to the man's face.

"Um…am I supposed to be?" Of course he was supposed to be. This was hell after all, land of eternal fire and misery and whatnot…but except for breaking his fall with his ass there hadn't been much in the "Everlasting Excruciating Boo-Boos" category. Feeling he should clarify the situation he added "I'm not really supposed to be here…there was a mix up in paperwork and I got tired of waiting."

"You were bored…so you decided to go to hell?" The edges of the silver-haired man's lips stretched out. "I think I like you."

"Does that mean you won't try to shoot me again?"

"Probably not. Let me see your heart first."

"How will you-HEY!" Zack didn't screech. Screeches were unmanly and only befitting young naïve maidens and Reno. But something high pitched came out of his throat as the demon casually reached into his chest and pulled out his heart.

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Well...that only took me forever to update...sorry guys! I finished this a LONG time ago but the document went through things that would make your skin crawl....and then it dissapeared...so I had to write it again ^^;;;;; ANYWAYS! Kadaj is coming soon, I promise. And the title "Goldilocks and the three dildos....this one is juuuuuuuuuuust right." isn't mine, it was my friends porn title for a class thing ///dont ask// and I viciously stole it.

REVIEWS

are loved.


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